Paradox

What would you do if the person closest to you is so insensitive and time & time again say things which stabs you right to your heart?

Tired of enduring, would you get up and leave? It's easier to be said than done. Often you'll ask yourself, is this really necessary? Once decision is made, there'll not be a turn-back.

Laugh and let it go. Can you still continue?

The doubt still remains and the trust still broken. What is the meaning in all this?

A parodox i would conclude. This, I would say, is a part of a depressing moment.

A leech and not a feng shui thing? You're hated.

Emptiness

The longer i stay in this place, the more rusty my brain is. I think lesser, brain processes slower now. Everything is revolving around "STANDARD"-ness. No good at all.

Didn't realise this until I asked a supposedly-logic question to a fellow colleague and kena "fucked" in a nice way. But still I get it, it's retard of me to pose such a easily comprehensible question.

Entire week has been bad. Mood was greatly affected. Couldn't control my sarcasm and quick temper towards the contractors. No good at all.

And black coffee consumed today, in addition to insufficient sleep, makes me super duper hyper today. Aiya.

Entire week has been just a week of fighting fire, putting out fire and prevent escalation of the spark of fire. I am becoming skillful in this area. Looking on the bright side, only in such circumstances that I get to learn more and be more knowledgable. Precious. Mine to keep.

Oh well. Whenever I feel defeated, I would get this I-want-to-get-a-real-good-drinking-session feel. And I found a real good drinking buddy who has a great smile! Ha Ha. Simply loving it.

And tonight, I feel like clubbing. Back to the days, when I was still underaged but still managed to sneak into clubs for drinks and grooving to R&B!

Ahh.....

I wanna club again, with the right people of coz! And no bfs!

It's a deep, black Hole

They say there'll be a light through the darkest times. But they never say how important it is to walk out of the light and be yourself again.

For that, I felt as though I'm thoroughly fucked up. A part of me is smittened by the light......

As I lie on my bed here, these are all I could think of :

1) Fortunately, it was only 30% of me which is no longer listening to my brain
2) Is this really how I should go on?
3) Is this 70% a mistake?
4) Is this a fucking real sign?


It's as though the brain and heart are both disconnected, I am thoroughly confused whether this is just a passing stage.


This is like year 2001 all over again and I remember How I Hated Year 2001 and 2002!

5 years!

Reading back the posts in the archive, I just realised the r/s is 5 years old! 5 fucking years of trust building and it takes only 3 months for it to crumble entirely...........

The Aftermath

It seems like when there is nowhere to vent, this place will be "the" place for me.

3 weeks have passed and yet I feel there's a black hole in my universe, swarming over my life, emotion and mood. Everywhere I go, black is what I see. Where is hope, joy and optimism?

I dislike the present me, neither do I like how I've become. Don't ask me why, all I can say is that "that" incident slaps me to reality and it really saddens me a whole lot more. Smiles, laughter and feeling happiness from the heart are drifting further away. Watch comedy and I cry, watch scary movies and solemn is all I felt.

Is leaving all these behind and defining a clear line between us the only way for me to release all this invisible stress I am feeling? And the path to the smily-self again? I tried to ask for your co-operation but all i get is why have I become like this. You tell me then, if you're in my shoes, what would you have felt.

I feel damn pathetic that I have reached this path once again. This felt bitter than ever but at least the tears do not flow anymore.

Give it another 2 months and I'll have my decision, whether it's gonna be a heart-broken one or not. Ultimately, girls need security and assurance, not to mention respect.

back

I wonder who still checks into this much forgotten personal space of mine. I've meant to jot down unlucky events which adds into the already accumulated mountain of misfortunes this year. However, it's now past midnight and the brain is already on shutting down mode, I guess I'll continue tml. Hopefully.

Before my brain goes into hibernation like the laptop utilising the very last few bits of battery, I wanna write down my hope for this week. Let the next few days be smooth-sailing!

stress

Jenny Jen Jen is feeling the heavy weight and it's too much to fall asleep. Gotta seek the help of alcohol again. :(


I juz have to start believing in myself again. Since when did i start to doubt my own ability? I have forgotten.....Need to pick up the pieces once again.

challenge

A Challenge to myself. Pick and ROLL, calm down, slowly look first, weight options quickly, and make a good decision in a swift.

Need to train more on my left-hand and lay-ups. Nowadays, my feel has diminished to obscurity. Where is my percentage?